Just a Regular Mission
by CaptainMarvel99
Summary: Just another smooth mission, based off an idea I had. Not slash at ALL.
1. chapter 1

He muttered under his breath as he dodged another bullet. Too close. Making his way up the stairs, he slammed the door shut behind him and noisily knocked over some filing cabinets in front of it. That'll buy some time.

Rushing through the building, he pushed the blaring sound of the alarm out of his head as he tried to remember the layout of the third floor; there'd been a balcony overlooking a cluster of trees and bushes, perfect if he could find it. Tucking the precious files away in his jacket, he turned to his left and resumed his search.

Where's Peril when you need him, he thought as he rounded the corner ahead, looking for an exit, instead finding the business end of a gun.

"Hands up, no sudden moves!"

'Whoa, take it easy." Solo held up his hands in a placating manner.

"Hey, maybe you can help me. I'm looking for party room number 12, I got lost on my way back from the restrooms, absolutely great party too though. I can even introduce you to the guest of honor, I know she'd-"

"Shut your mouth and move", the guard gestured the direction with his weapon. "And watch it, I believe my boss wants you alive, but whether you stay that way is entirely up to you."

"You're no fun, you know that. And your uniform has a despicable amount of wrinkles in it."

"Move!"

Napoleon almost tripped as he was roughly shoved forward. His mind raced with ideas as they walked down the dimly lit hallway. This fellow was definitely bigger than him, and therefore it was safe to assume he was stronger as well. Very bad odds. Neither Solo nor his suit would last long in a one-on-one fight. And not really eager to see Mr. Rieck again so soon, he tried the first thing he thought of.

"Look at that!", he yelled, pointing in one direction as he shielded himself with his other hand. Unperturbed, the guard simply walked on, pointing his gun dangerously close to Solo's head.

"Nice try"

"Well, if at first you don't succeed-"

"Keep going!"

"You sorry stick in the mud", Solo murmured.

" What?"

"I said I borrowed six from my bud", he rephrased, not pushing his luck.

Halfway down the hall now, what else?, Napoleon thought. His stomach growled loudly. He hadn't eaten since his lunch yesterday. Hmmmm...

Napoleon groaned, clutching at his stomach and unexpectedly dropped to his knees. This may have worked too, if the guard hadn't barreled into him, causing Napoleon to fall the rest of the way, headfirst into the concrete floor... And then have the heavy guard fall on top of him.

"Dumb American."

He barely registered the guard's comment as he felt himself get pulled up to his feet by his collar and pushed forward again.

Remind myself to never try that again on an empty stomach, Solo thought. Got it. If he was feeling a little weak before, no food and all, he definitely felt worse now, with a pounding headache and most likely a couple of bruised ribs to boot.

At this point, they passed by some empty offices. Looking out of the corner of his eye at the reflection in the glass, he saw a figure moving silently behind them. It wasn't another guard. That could only be... Peril. Finally. Still, how to deal with Mr. Heavy Mud Stick here before he saw Illya too.

Maybe if I can distract him...

"Aha! I've got it", Napoleon declared, brimming with confidence and swaying like a drunk as he spun around pointing to nowhere in particular. The guard blinked. Undeterred, he went on.

"What you need is a kiss."

The guard blinked again before shaking his head. What was this American's problem? Maybe he really was cookoo.

"Enough with your nonsense already! Move!"

"Aww, come here you big lug", Napoleon stumbled towards him with his arms outstretched. Despite the situation, it was still a comical sight.

The guy unconsciously took a step back and then-

SMACK!

He never knew what hit him.

"Yup, a nice big kiss for you buddy", Napoleon smirked as he turned to his friend, his smile turning into a confused frown.

"How long had you been following us anyway?"

"All time you walk down hall until I get closer. Wait for good opportunity."

"There was a perfectly good chance back when, oh I don't know, the guy fell on me!" The last three words were clearly emphasized.

"Not good opportunity, too far away"

Of course, a reason for everything, Solo thought before speaking.

"You are a terrible spy."


	2. Illya's POV

No sooner did the alarms go off than Illya emerged from his hiding spot. Napoleon had told him to check the window at the far end of the hallway, and he did. But knowing the kind of trouble his partner attracted, he'd decided to return and keep watch. And a good thing he did too...

CRASH!

Napoleon exited the room with far less grace than usual and went headfirst into a stack of boxes. Slightly shaken, he attempted to get up and glance around a moment to regain his bearings. Reaching over, Illya grabbed his arm and had started to speak:

"OK, Cow- OOF!"

Just like that, Solo jerked his elbow back and landed a punch square in Illya's jaw, ending with a kick that sent Illya stumbling backwards into a wall.

Not surprise Cowboy next time, he thought as he got back up and chased after Solo's rapidly vanishing figure. And none too soon, because right then, a group of guards swarmed out from a nearby staircase with guns raised.

"Halt! Halt or I shoot!", shouted the apparent leader.

Without thinking twice, Illya dashed off in the direction Solo had gone. A bullet whizzed by not two inches from his ear. So far he had put a little distance between himself and his pursuers. Turning another corner, he noticed the only door left in this hallway was at the very end, along with a small window.

No problem, he thought as he rapidly approached the door. Suddenly, he heard a tumultuous crash on the other side of the door, followed by a "Ha!" and quickly fading footsteps.

Napoleon!

Looking around, he saw the window and groaned before forcing it open. Sticking his head out, he saw the ground three floors down; no trees, just small rose bushes. With that in mind, he clambered out the window, and hanging on to a gutter pipe, shimmied over to the next window. Unlocked. Good.

Climbing inside, he saw the cause of the crash he heard earlier. Solo had toppled over the filing cabinets, effectively blocking the door. Aha.

"Move!"

Illya snapped back to attention and crept towards the corner, listening carefully. As he poked his head around the corner, he quickly sized up the situation. Only one guard, a pretty good size though, and lightly armed. Ahead of him, Napoleon stumbled a bit before walking on.

Best follow and take chance.

As Illya slowly caught up to Napoleon and his captor, he heard Napoleon abruptly yell, "Look at that!"

Oldest trick in book, Illya thought. No wonder the guard ignored that. He had to smile at Napoleon's next comment. Illya mentally reminded himself to ask Solo what exactly a 'stick in the mud' is. There still was a considerable distance between Illya and the two, who were already halfway down the hall. Napoleons next actions were surprising. He had fallen to his knees, feigning illness, only to have the guard knock him down (presumably by accident) and land on top of him.

Illya quickly flattened himself up against the wall, no sense in getting caught this far. The two got back to their feet, Napoleon doing so a little slower than usual. They were close to the end already.

Now or never.

Illya quickened his pace, noticing Solo had stalled yet again, something about 'Aha', but was caught off guard by his next words.

"What you need is a kiss."

Everyone but Solo froze. He must have taken one too many hits to head, Illya thought, yet... Maybe Solo had seen him. Illya got up behind the guard, readied himself and SLAP!

Napoleon smiled contentedly as he dropped his arms to his sides and turned to his friend.

"How long had you been following us anyway?"

"All time you walk down hall until I get closer. Wait for good opportunity."

"There was a perfectly good chance back when, oh I don't know, the guy fell on me!"

Illya rolled his eyes to keep from laughing; that had been funny, big guy squished him like a pancake.

"Not good opportunity, too far away"

Solo opened his mouth and shut it promptly before opening it again. Satisfied, Illya walked past Napoleon, intent on leading the way out himself until something stopped him short.

"You are a terrible spy."


End file.
